Alievement

"The best feeling in the world is watching everything finally come together, after watching everything fall apart."

Photo taken while driving through southern Minnesota 11/10/2019

The Loss.

I once felt utterly lost. Not simply in the regard of letting go of things and people I cared for, but because the months leading up had been ridden with nothing but pain. Not only had I been struggling immensely with an overwhelming anxiety of my own self, I began realizing the life I had been living was not one that I was happy with. I began trying to pinpoint the cause, and started letting go of those that, while I loved, were unable to reciprocate it in a way that I could understand. One by one, I realized I had nothing in common with the people around me and slowly began letting go. I immediately regretted my decision because I felt alone, and that idea frightened me to no avail. I slowly began to learn that we must find comfort in our solidarity, because in some cases it is harder to hold on than it is to let go.

Continued Trial

It felt as though I were being penalized for feeling the need to walk away. My character was questioned, and backlash was something I faced on a daily basis. I am a person who feels extreme guilt in regards to those around me, and I began to live in that emotion. Slowly but surely everything else began to fall apart around me. I lost my job, no longer felt motivated to continue my degree, had to sell my car and move back in with my mother. Around the same time, my father passed and I was faced to mourn his absence for a second time. I no longer knew where I was going and felt only pain - but continued on anyway.

Understanding Balance

I do have to say, the journey of these trials led to me find myself. How could I be lost, when I was present at all times ? How could I feel so awful about my life? Nature has always been a soothing comfort for me, and on a hike with friends I was told that the only way to climb uphill was to be precise with my balance. I'm not sure if it was the physical act of having to steady myself, but I realized in that moment that my life felt so uneven because I had failed to steady myself in the storm. I flew to each emotion at the time, and allowed them to lead me off track. I began to realize the power in stillness.

Opportunity

While I knew where I came from, quite well, I began to question where I wanted to go. I was once told by a wise friend that only the present exists, the past is no longer relevant and the future has yet to present itself so immerse yourself in the now. What a difficult task for the nervously anxious. I began to imagine myself in my happy place. I imagined the car that I wished to drive, and the home I one day hope to own. While remaining focused on the present, I began to realize that each day I could make small efforts to reach these long term goals. Each day I began training myself to stay steady in habits that would increase my productivity and health. Rather than allowing life to knock me down, I began fighting for my future.

The first of many finish lines

While I am not where I wish to be, so much around me has changed for the better. I found a job that allowed me a living wage, while being able to afford a new car and my college tuition, and allowing me the time to study. I for the first time, began to understand myself and the power in being all that I am. I began to love myself, and because of that believe in something greater for myself at all times.

The Lesson

Life will knock you out cold, that's for certain. But with each trial, understand you're being given an opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow through obstacle. Had I never faced uncomfort, I would never strive for better. I would remain stagnant, and would be doing both myself and the world a grave injustice. So I ask you today to imagine what your best year would look like. Who would you be ? Love yourself to begin creating that reality.